First, I’d like to give a little shout out to my dear friend and housemate, Nicolette, for coining the term patience pants. How stinking cute is that?!? I’m totally going to use this phrase for a little comic relief when checking in with my patience and kindness towards myself and others. So thank you beautiful nugget (Nicci) for being a guiding light in my sporadic dismal thoughts; I truly appreciate your creative outlets.

Lately it feels as though everything is testing my patience… could it be that mercury is in retrograde? Possibly. But, in all honesty I know that it’s just my subconscious telling me that I need to check in with myself. I’ve been experiencing a world of emotions in regards to previous mistakes I’ve made and been a part of. The blame and shame is still something that arises, and I try to combat with self-love and kindness. Being away from friends and family back on the east coast has been a blessing, because it’s given me the time and space needed to be with myself and authentic thoughts without any physical reminders. Being out here with no immediate relations or connections to my past gave me the chance to start over and create a fresh mind frame on how I view and treat myself. Creating and maintaining love for yourself is essential for the happiness of your life and as being a constructive human in society. You can’t give what you don’t have, and we all know that the world could use A LOT more lovin’.

Talking with my spiritual director, Pastor Jocelynn, and housemates has helped me rationalize my erratic thoughts; easing my anxieties and concerns. Although I’m hyperaware that the only true fix already exists within me, it feels good to be affirmed that I am not alone and senseless. I’m reminded every day that I am only human and mistakes are bound to happen. One must only suffer the consequences once, because any more than that is a form of self-abuse and only does more harm. Knowing and living that truth are two totally different entities, and I now know that. I’m currently in the process of forgiveness and developing more self-love; I just need to keep my patience pants on for the time being.

Patience is a beautiful yet incredibly challenging attribute to uphold at all times. It may seem impossible at times to keep my head on straight, but with a mindful eye and joyful reminders from the self and loved ones, I am soothed and comforted. Although I contradict myself daily, I am thankful for the imperfect life and relationships I have right now. I am grateful for past mistakes and connections I’ve made and lost. I am blessed for the hurt I have felt and feel, because it makes me resilient and creates a happier and radiant being that is just abundantly happy to be breathing.  I struggle internally with ominous thoughts that creep up from time-to-time, but I am able to reset and engage in more loving and affirming sentiments.

As I end this post I want to share a quote that I found that helps me refocus my worth and love for myself and others:

“Have patience with all things but first with yourself. Never confuse you mistakes with your value as a human being. You’re a perfectly valuable, creative, worthwhile person simply because you exist. And no amount of triumphs or tribulations can ever change that. Unconditional self-acceptance is the core of a peaceful mind.”

Thank you St. Francis de Sales for articulating a vital point that many of us need to adhere to and manifest within ourselves and others. I am going to try and continue with my positive mantras that keep my light illuminating for all to see and feel. Thank you friends, family, and universe that keeps me sane, and consistently showers me with love and compassion; you’re the coal that keeps me burning.

-Andrea

Lutheran Social Services of Northern California